Tips For Setting the Mood:

In my youth, my former partner and I made a habit of playing loud music almost every time we decided to have sex. This is because each of had lots of roommates and thin walls. It probably clued them off what we were doing because our classic choice was the album ‘Kid A’ by Radiohead. I might be dating myself, but this was a time before internet radio and mp3 players were really a thing so if it was a particularly good night for us, they’d have to listen to the entire record twice.

Then two things happened and about the same time. The first is my partner was gifted an IPod Shuffle and also, we were afraid of getting some odd Pavlovian response to the song ‘How to Disappear Completely’. So, we spent approximately 97 hours putting our carefully crafted cd collection onto their dinosaur computer and selecting the overwhelming amount of songs we could fit on the little 1G wonder. After we finished, it seemed only natural we’d play music from this technological wonder.

Things started well, with the type of shoegazing angst style music providing the soundtrack to that period of my life. But you may have spotted the problem that was about to come up when I described the piece of equipment providing our musical stylings.

It was a Shuffle. All it did… was shuffle.

And that was how I found myself engaging in oral intercourse during a key moment to the majestic theme song for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Heroes in a half shell, turtle power.

In that vein, I’ve got some tips to help avoid some common mistakes, most of which I have made:

  • Tidy up: It just feels nice to prepare a space for something special. Pick up any rogue underpants (Rogue Underpants, band name, called it.) And I can think of worse motivations for doing a little laundry.
  • Charge/change batteries in sex toys: A literal buzzkill if you don’t.
  • Clean up: I am referring to your genitals. Wash them.
  • Set the mood: Dim the lights. Light some candles away from where they can be knocked over and start a fire. If you’re afraid of fire go get some of those fake candles and hit the room with some essential oil spritz.
  • Get hydrated: It’ll help you feel good. Your urine should not be the same color as a Ticonderoga pencil.
  • Organize your sexy stuff: Condoms? Check the expiration date and have them out ahead of time. Lube? Rinse the fuzz off the bottle and have it available. Grab a bottle of water and maybe a granola bar. Make sure the sex towel is within reach so you don’t wind up using a pair of dirty shorts.
  • Make a playlist: Make one that seems way too long and isn’t jarring. Take everyone’s musical tastes into consideration. Learn from my mistakes.
  • Get into a sensual mood: Put on some lingerie. Get the butt plug in early. Do a little naughty texting, maybe.
  • Have the safer sex/boundaries/kink limits talk BEFORE you get close to sex: I don’t know about you but naked people are distracting for me. Having these conversations outside of a sexual moment makes them easier and clearer.
  • Get into your confidence stance, you’re a rock star: Might I recommend doing the “Superman” pose for about 2 or 3 minutes? Acting confident helps you feel confident and good about yourself.
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