Use Your Words: Getting Started With Dirty Talk

Use Your Words: Getting Started With Dirty Talk

by Javay da BAE aka The Millennial Sexpert

When it comes to using your words you can do a lot of things–persuade your partner to play hookie from work, express your emotions, and even arouse your partner. Dirty talk is a great way to use words in a sexy manner. If the idea of dirty talk sounds appeasing, but feels overwhelming we can help. Here’s a few pointers if you are just getting started with dirty talk.

What is dirty talk?

Dirty talk is technically defined as sexually explicit speech or conversation intended to seduce or arouse someone, but that definition implies that it is just a type of foreplay, but dirty talk can happen at every stage of sexual activity from the warm up to the aftercare. Dirty talk is better defined as the activity of using your words to enhance sexual situations and entice your partner(s). You can do dirty talk via text to build the anticipation for the upcoming fun, during sexual activity, and throughout your day in general, just as a little spice.

How to gauge your partner’s interest

As much fun as dirty talk can be it should never be something you start doing without previously discussing with your partner. You can gauge your partner’s interest by having a direct conversation. The first place to start is by getting your partner’s consent for the activity. If they have no interest at all you should not try to force them into dirty talk. After they have consented your conversation should include checking to see if your partner knows what dirty talk is. If they don’t know, offer them examples and be prepared to answer any questions they may have about it. It is also important for you to be patient with your partner, the conversation, and the time between the conversation and when you actually start doing dirty talk. It can be overwhelming trying something new in your relationship, especially something that relates to communication in some way, so don’t try and rush things with your partner. 

The magic recipe of dirty talk

Now that your partner is on board with dirty talking how can you do it successfully? There is a magic recipe for dirty talk: tone + words + confidence + the activity. Tone means the way in which you say the things you say. This is not to mean saying something with an attitude and things like that, but rather the tone and energy of the interaction. Are you wanting to be seductive and dominating? Playful and coy? The tone you use impacts how the dirty talk lands for your partner(s). Words are pretty self explanatory, but not all words are created equal. You have to choose words and language that get your partner(s) hot and heavy and keep them in the mood, while also taking into consideration cultural and language differences. Confidence is key for all sexual interactions, but especially dirty talk. If you don’t speak with confidence the talk is not dirty, it’s awkward. Lastly, you have to keep in mind the activity in which you are trying to use dirty talk. Dirty talk can happen during sexting, partnered sex, guided/mutual masturbation, and during kink/BDSM scenes. Be sure to use dirty talk that fits what y’all are doing.

Avenues of inspiration

If you struggle with what to say here are some good phrase combinations: good (title or honorific) for an easy praise or dirty (title or honorific) for an easy degradation. You can also ask questions as a form of dirty talk, things like: do you like how I ruin your makeup? Do you want to show me how good you can be? You can also describe yourself and what you are feeling and experiencing as a form of dirty talk, like “I get so hard thinking about you taking off your clothes”, “every part of my body is yearning for you.” Telling someone what to do and offering instructions can be another way of engaging in dirty talk. Some examples are “show me how bad you want it,” “come let me taste you”.

About the Author:

Javay da BAE aka @TheMillenialSexpert

Javay da BAE (aka The Millennial Sexpert) is a sex educator, content creator, pleasure professional, spicy accountant, and academic. She is currently working on her PhD in Human Sexuality and PhD in communication & media studies and has a Masters in Sex Education from Widener University. Javay began working in the pleasure industry in 2018 and instantly fell in love with all things sex, pleasure, and sex education. Her academic areas of study are sex work, kink/BDSM, and the media’s impact on sexuality.

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