by Javay da BAE aka The Millennial Sexpert
July 24th is BDSM Day, and if you have been interested in BDSM but are unsure where to begin, you are in the right place. In honor of the holiday, we are going to walk you through some beginner activities for folks wanting to try out BDSM. However, before we get into that, we need to cover the basics, so let’s dive in.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadomasochism (or Sadism/Masochism). This acronym covers the different types of activities/dynamics that fall under BDSM. Bondage/Discipline focuses on the use of restraints and things of that nature for bondage—so cuffs, ropes, bondage tape, those types of things. Discipline is where power dynamics come into play, leading us to Dominance and Submission. Dominance and Submission are power plays where one partner is the Dominant (the one in power), and the submissive consensually gives up their power and the dominant takes control of the dynamic. This power exchange can be in the bedroom during scenes or as part of every aspect of the partners’ lives, depending on what was communicated, negotiated, and agreed upon between those involved. The last part of BDSM is the Sadomasochism or Sadism and Masochism. Sadism is the enjoyment or pleasure of inflicting pain, humiliation, or suffering. Masochism is the enjoyment or pleasure in having pain inflicted on you, being humiliated, or made to suffer. Sadomasochism can be done in and out of the bedroom as well and to varying degrees of intensity.
The Foundation
Regardless of the BDSM-related activities in which you choose to engage, some foundational pillars are essential before proceeding to play. The first is developing strong communication skills because BDSM is all about clear, direct, and honest communication. These communication skills are used when negotiating scenes, setting boundaries, checking in with partners, debriefing the experience, and so much more. Along with communication skills, you will need to educate yourself. As much fun as BDSM can be, diving in without some education and knowledge can be dangerous in many ways for everyone involved, so you should take your time to learn more. When you have figured out in which activities under the BDSM umbrella you are interested, read some books on it or attend a workshop being taught by someone experienced. Check out the events calendar to see what BDSM-related workshops we have coming up. The last foundational piece you will want to consider is the safety principles you will adopt or use. There are a few different safety philosophies that different BDSM practitioners use. Some of the most commonly used are SSC, RACK, PRICK, and CCCC. Review these with your partner(s) and decide what feels the best and most realistic for y’all regarding safety.
Beginner Activities
Now that you have a little bit of a base in terms of BDSM, here are some activities that are good starting points for beginners. This is just a small sampling of different activities; there are a whole slew of BDSM activities for you to try, so don’t be afraid to research more.
Light Bondage
If you are interested in the B of BDSM, light bondage might be right for you. Light bondage in the sense that you aren’t immediately jumping to metal cuffs and more heavy-duty restraints. If you are just getting started with bondage, we recommend starting with fuzzy cuffs, quickie cuffs, bondage tape, or a bed restraint system. All of these options are good entry points to bondage because they are more comfortable in some other options and easier to undo in case of emergency.
Power Dynamics
Playing with power dynamics is a great starting point if you want to explore dominance and submission. You can do this in a few different ways depending on the level of power play y’all want to try. If you are just experimenting to see how you like it, try directed mutual masturbation. This is when one person tells the other person how to masturbate while being watched. This allows you to play with power dynamics in that the person being told what to do is at the whim of the instruction giver. You can alternate who is giving instructions so that everyone gets to experience the fun of being in control in some way. For more lifestyle power dynamics, you could initiate Dom(me)-sub roles where the Dominant makes choices for the submissive and has more control and say over what they do. This could be things such as picking what the submissive wears every day, what they eat, and things of that nature. If you are considering more lifestyle power dynamics, be sure to have very in-depth conversations and negotiations with your partner(s) to make sure that everyone is on the same page and understands what the dynamic can and should be like.
Impact Play
For folks who are intrigued by inflicting pain or having pain inflicted on them, impact play is a great starting point, specifically spanking with the hand. Spanking is a great beginner impact play activity because it allows you to learn the different parts of the body that safely can be struck, your own strength in terms of impact, and allows for more intimacy during play. When getting started with spanking, you have to learn the different parts of the body that you can and cannot spank. As you get more experienced with spanking, you can move on to use different tools and implements if you and your partner(s) are interested, like riding crops and paddles.
These are just a small number of different BDSM activities that are great starting points for beginners. As much as you might want to just dive into it, remember that educating yourself is a necessary step of BDSM, and you should do some more research before getting started. There are so many different books that you can read to learn more about all the different aspects of BDSM. So go forth, familiarize yourself with safety tips and negotiation, and have a good time dipping your toes into BDSM.
About the Author
Javay da BAE (aka The Millennial Sexpert) is a sex educator, content creator, pleasure professional, spicy accountant, and academic. She is currently working on her PhD in Human Sexuality and PhD in communication & media studies and has a Masters in Sex Education from Widener University. Javay began working in the pleasure industry in 2018 and instantly fell in love with all things sex, pleasure, and sex education. Her academic areas of study are sex work, kink/BDSM, and the media’s impact on sexuality.