Want to Have More Sex?

Want to Have More Sex?

Inviting Erotic Energy Into Your Life

by Melissa

Working in a pleasure shop provides one with a multitude of interesting dilemmas and questions from our clientele. But some of the most frequently asked questions revolve around mis-matched libido and frequency of sex. Humans are biologically wired to enjoy sex, and many of us find ourselves wishing that we could have more sex. But in my experience, the answer to having more sex is often less about upping the frequency of sex, and more about expanding our idea of what sex can look like for us.

Our culture teaches us that a satisfying sexual encounter must be spontaneous, include penetration of some sort, and conclude with simultaneous orgasms. But this isn’t always reality for many people. If there’s one thing I have learned while working at As You Like It, it’s that sex can look different for every individual and relationship. We are here to destroy the limited notions of sex shown by our society at large, and encourage you all to invite more erotic experiences into your life by expanding your definition of sex.

If you are connecting in sensual energy with your partner/s and enjoying the experience of being embodied together, that is a sexual act. By opening ourselves up to a more broad variety of sexual experiences, we will inevitably enjoy more of them. Because the honest truth is, sex can be anything you want it to be! 

For example, we are often told that sex must be spontaneous, but this is far from the truth. Sex can absolutely be planned! Especially in today’s busy world, sometimes setting aside time specifically to tap into our sexuality and connect with our partner/s can make all the difference. Culture likes to tell us that spontaneous desire is the gold standard. The desire that just waits inside you ready to spring forth with no prompting is known as spontaneous. But most of us experience a much more reliable kind of desire, known as responsive desire, the kind of desire that happens when our sweetie says or does something to express their own desire for and appreciation of us as attractive beings. So getting things started with a plan is a great way to set us up for a fulfilling encounter. The number one advantage to planning a sex date is the date starts the moment you start planning for it! You can make simple plans or elaborate plans, but building in a period of anticipation just builds the excitement for you and your sweetheart.

Sex can be passive; watching porn together, reading erotica to each other, or swapping secret fantasies with no expectation of actualization are wonderful ways to allow more erotic energy into your life. Just basking in the connection and intimacy of sharing your desires can be incredibly fulfilling — not to mention sexy! Yum!

Sex can also be very active, and yet fully clothed! To take your fun out into the wild, you can employ remote controlled toys to tease, tantalize and satisfy your lover. Take them on a secluded hike, or for a day at the beach and count the number of times you can bring them to the brink of climax only to turn down the dial on that remote and watch them squirm. Or, for the more adventurous, going to a kink event and focusing on sensory play with an audience might be just the ticket to awaken your previously unknown erotic energies. Couple that with the heightened thrill that comes with the public expression of your desires and you are good to go!

Sex can even be completely one sided; you can tell your partner that their pleasure is your only requirement for the night and ask them what will fulfill their heart’s desire. Even if that desire is to have someone else make dinner, do dishes or deal with the kiddos. Or maybe your person would prefers to watch you pleasure yourself? To see the ways you move beneath your own hands, to observe the winning combo, and to drink in the sights and sounds of your needs being met as only you can meet them. Parallel play (also known as mutual masturbation) also allows you to experience pleasure simultaneously, while still enjoying and appreciating each other’s sensual presence. And what could be hotter than that?

Which brings us to the endless number of ways to have orgasms — some of which don’t involve our genitals or penetration at all! Plenty of kinksters report having total body orgasms from sensory or impact play. Blindfolds, nipple clamps, neon wands, and bondage can all have their own orgasmic payoff when done correctly. Exploring new kinks, toys, or fantasies together can be an incredible way to experience orgasm in ways that might surprise you! 

That said, sex can also NOT include orgasms. Many of us will have sexy times in our lives where orgasms will be elusive or altogether impossible, and that is perfectly normal! When orgasms are not in the cards for whatever reason, this is the time to focus on exactly what pleasure means to you and your lover. Ask yourself, does your body feel good? Are you in a bubble of love with your person? Do you feel security and acceptance? That is a wonderful experience for anyone to celebrate.

Finally, if you find yourself wanting more sex, I would encourage you to actively look for the erotic in the mundane. Have you taken the time to really notice your partner in everyday moments? How do they move through their life? Appreciate the way they perform daily tasks like making the morning coffee or getting dressed for work, and revel in the little things that you discover to be attracted to them over time. Seek out the sensuality of their unconscious movements. Tell them what you observe. Let them feel your attraction and appreciation, and open the door for it to be returned. Libido comes and goes throughout our lives and our relationships, but consciously creating space for desire through observation, mindfulness and appreciation is an excellent way to increase both your libido and your pleasure.

As humans, we have sex for many reasons: pleasure, connection, intimacy and occasionally procreation. But our current culture has been so puritanical and oppressive about sex for so long around sex that many of us have forgotten how to imbue our day- to- day encounters with our intrinsic sensual and sexual energy.

If you find yourself wanting more, we suggest giving a little more. Give yourself more understanding and grace around time and energy constraints. Give your loved one the same. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. Communicate your needs, appreciate your loved ones, and expand what sex can look like for you and in your relationship/s. Be open to erotic energies and experiences to enter your life, and you might be surprised just how much pleasure life has to offer you!

About the Author:

Melissa is devoted to the art of connection in all things. As a service worker, experiencing the many ways in which we are all in relationship to one another has led her to As You Like It where she can practice what she preaches.

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